Originally published on July 22, 2014
I find it really interesting that on the first day of summer, at the same moment the sun was making her ascent, my child decided to make her entrance into the world. I’m sure there will be something in her personality or some serendipitous situation that will bridge the link between that and the conditions of her birth, but for now I call her my summer baby; my sunshine dahlin’; and always, my Little Magician.
I’m someone who can be very wary about making close connections with people. In the past couple of years especially, I’ve been crushed by broken promises and shattered trust, and usually feel more comfortable keeping people at a bit of a distance. That is entirely NOT possible with my daughter, which is honestly kind of scary to me. I’ve never cared about anything the way I care about her. I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ve cried – either slow tears that are easily swept away, or hot streams that leave my whole face red – because of my love for her. I adore her with my whole being, and often feel I don’t deserve her, or that I’m deathly afraid of ruining her, or that I need to apologize to her for being a shitty mom. I’ve done and said all of those things, and for me, the fear of letting her down in any way is simultaneously my greatest motivator and biggest source of anxiety.
If you’re someone who is already very critical, having a child can lead you down an even more self-deprecating rabbit hole. I felt like a failure because I diverted from my birth plan – I went natural for 90% of the way, then at the last moment quietly begged for the epidural. I had a vacuum-assisted birth, and felt like I could have and should have pushed harder on my own. In the first few weeks, she and I did a ‘getting to know you’ dance around breastfeeding – some days were good, others weren’t. When she wasn’t gaining weight as quickly as expected, I just knew I was doing something wrong and wasn’t providing for her sufficiently. Some days she cries and cries and looks at me desperately with her huge brown eyes as if to say, “Help, mom!” and when I don’t know what to do, I cry along with her and tell her I’m sorry.
The good days, though? Those are GREAT days. Those are the days when she lets me get in an extra half hour of sleep, when she’s not too fussy, when HomieLuva and I are able to just sit together and take in the magnificence of what we created. Everyday she uncovers a new gift about herself, or reveals a gift I possess but didn’t see, or teaches me about life, love, and existence in a way no one else can. Life is in high-definition now – when I think about how she’s seeing the world with fresh eyes, it makes me do the same. Colours are more vibrant, music is more melodic, I feel no ways about dancing like a fool in public to calm her cries, and I hope when she’s older we still dance like fools to make each other laugh.
Everything has happened so fast. The best way to prepare is to admit to yourself that you can’t ever be 100% prepared, and just resolve to do your best. Each day when I wake up, I take a breath, look at myself in the bathroom mirror, and say “She needs you. She loves you. You’ve got this. Just do your best.” The fears and anxieties never fully dissipate, but as corny as it sounds, once she looks at me or squeezes my finger or calms at my touch…I know I’ve got this.
I debated creating a brand new blog to document my motherhood journey, but thought I’d start off by sharing some of those thoughts here on ’83 To Infinity. I’m thinking that I’ll house those posts under the BROWNSUGAMAMA category, so hopefully you’ll check them out of if you’re so inclined! I’m just a month in and I’ve got a lot to share about my pregnancy, my labour & delivery, balancing motherhood and work, getting in shape post-baby, and so much more. Also, in the vein of creating the things I’m always looking for, I’ll use this space to write from the perspective of a Black Canadian mother unapologetically raising a little Black girl in this world. We’ll see where it goes, but I hope y’all enjoy the new dimensions this topic will bring!