Tag Archives: new baby

Introducing BB

BBmama-BSM

I was sweaty, exhausted, and overwhelmed with emotion – but I still had enough energy to whisper “Happy anniversary” and lean my cheek forward for a kiss from HomieLuva. It was our 6th wedding anniversary and our second baby was about 6 hours old, so a hospital celebration wasn’t what I had planned but there was nowhere else I wanted to be.

Plans are funny things. I’ve always had a hard time with change and retaining control in my life, but becoming a mom of two has forced me to face – often uncomfortably – the fact that life gon’ life, and sometimes all you can do is go along for the ride.

Look at my Boss Baby, my moonlight bringer – she came two weeks early. She came pretty quickly, about 3 hours after my water broke. She came without the aid of pain meds, since the epidural that was administered didn’t work. AT ALL. Almost every step of the way, I’d have a somewhat out-of-body experience where I looked at myself saying, “Is this shit really about to happen?” and there was nothing I could do but admit that yes, yes it was.

If I was having out-of-body experiences during labour and delivery, BB’s gift to me was putting me back in my body. That’s the only way I can describe it. Little Magician took me into more spiritual realms with her arrival, and BB has grounded me, earthed me, settled me into my body in a new way.

It started with the experience of giving birth without pain meds and feeling my body do a new thing, even though it was the second time. It continued with the more successful breastfeeding journey we’ve been having (I got teary-eyed when we saw that BB gained weight at her first doctor’s appointment). And it’s kept going with how much I enjoy my post-baby body (I’d like to snatch this waist back and get rid of this back pain, but the extra juiciness can stick around). I just have more moments of being present – taking time to be aware of my breathing, to take note of my posture, to stretch and feel my body pull. LM awakened me to parts of me that I didn’t previously explore. BB reintroduced me to parts of me that I previously took for granted. Balance is a tricky thing, but these two have given me a certain kind of equilibrium.

It’s been two months in, and finding equilibrium in broader terms has been challenging. I’m trying to keep up with LM’s energy and her need to be engaged. I’m trying to nurture BB and keep the breastmilk flowing so she can keep growing. I’m trying to learn how to relax, but the fear of seeing opportunities slip away and losing relevance in my work makes relaxation elusive (that last point is a topic for another post altogether). I’m trying not to be wholly overwhelmed and anxious by the state of the world. I’m trying to be OK with change and understand that right now, loss of control looks like me floating around, grasping at old and new pieces of my identity, and trying to put it all together again in a way that makes me feel good. I’m trying to be OK with the fact that this will all take some time.

But oh, when I look at BB – I’m fine with the discomfort. My beautiful brown baby with the biggest, brightest eyes; the way she looks just like her sister at one glance, then entirely different the next; the calmness that I feel emanating from her; the way her daddy feels so fulfilled with his two girls and the way LM feels so proud to be a big sister – when my heart wants to break because of frustration, overwhelm, and self-inflicted pressure, these things keep it stitched together.

I’m a mom of two, reliving the sleepless, stressful, yet blissful days of newborn life. My BB is perfect, and she’s the perfect addition to my perfectly imperfect family. We’re all taking it one day at a time, and I know we’ll all be fine.

Bee Quammie

Big hair+mouth. Word lover. Award-winning blogger. Freelance writer. Media commentator. Wife/mama/daughter/sister/friend. Dancehall Queen for life.

“Black ‘Oman, Hold Yuh Heart” aka Boss Baby Is Coming

beelaybaby2

A few weeks ago, I was at the HERStory In Black event, hosted by How She Hustles and CBC. The entire evening – honouring 150 Black women in the GTA who are doing amazing things – was incredible, but there was one particularly poignant moment for me.

Dub poet d’bi Young Anitafrika performed a piece she wrote specifically for the event – a powerful and emotional poem that had most of the room in tears. d’bi guided us through the recognition and celebration of who we are as Black women, with a constant refrain: “Black ‘oman, hold yuh heart!”

Most of us placed our hands to our chests, but I had a moment of hesitation about where to place mine. You see, I currently have two hearts. One has lived, loved, broken, and mended more than the other, but the newer one beats strong with the rhythm of promise and potential.

All that to say – I’m pregnant with Baby #2!

beebaby2

This pregnancy so far has been very different from 3 years ago when I was carrying Little Magician, and has frankly been a rougher ride. Morning sickness and extreme exhaustion took over the first trimester, and there were days where I couldn’t raise my head for anything except to take a sip of lemon water. This one also took a hit to my vanity – with LM everything flourished, but this time around my skin, hair, and nails suffered until the second trimester. I had more food cravings with LM, and this time (aside from my never-ending desires for ackee and saltfish), my diet is driven more by my aversions – namely chicken, most juices, and dairy.

It also feels like my emotions have also been on an even bigger roller coaster this time around. One of my biggest sources of anxiety is, how will I love two children equally?

I remember being pregnant with LM and wondering what it was going to feel like to be connected to another human being in such a way. I couldn’t imagine what that love would look and feel like, but it came, in all its beautiful and overwhelming glory.  Now, I’m clearly not the first person to give birth to more than one child, but I wonder how my heart will stretch to give another baby the same quality of love I’ve given to LM all this time, and how I’ll be able to keep loving her so that she never feels like she’s lost part of me.

Personally, I felt so changed when I gave birth the first time, that I’m also a bit anxious about how I’ll evolve after I go through the process of bringing another being into the world again.

Who will they be? Who will I be? How will LM adapt? How will HomieLuva and I maintain our identities as individuals and a couple while raising two children? As has been my trend lately, I have more questions than answers – but I know the answers will make themselves plain in due time. If previous life experience has shown me, I never know what I’m doing, but somehow always figure it out – or at least get by without anyone getting hurt. Lol.

For now, I’m enjoying the smoother sails of the second trimester (though I’m still hella tired thanks to chasing one Little Magician around) and awaiting the arrival of Boss Baby aka El/La Jefe aka Lil Remix. The story behind Baby #2’s nicknames deserves its own post, so stay tuned for that – and for all the fun times ahead as I become a mama of 2!

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Bee Quammie

Big hair+mouth. Word lover. Award-winning blogger. Freelance writer. Media commentator. Wife/mama/daughter/sister/friend. Dancehall Queen for life.