Tag Archives: second pregnancy

Motherhood The Second Time Around

BSM-bossbaby34I’ve always known I wouldn’t be Team One And Done if I had my way. With two younger siblings of my own, I’ve always loved the connection we have – so I knew that when it came time to start my own family, I definitely wanted to recreate that dynamic with my little ones.

So, here we are. Little Magician is fresh off her 3rd birthday, and her sibling #BossBaby is coming in just a few weeks. This pregnancy has been very different from my first go-round, and my life today looks completely different from what it was even just 3 short months ago. I’m slowly but surely coming to accept the realization that there is no “going back” to anything. Life is drifting me along like a river that washed me from my comfort on the shore, and I won’t ever go back – but I’ll end up somewhere new. And one of the major things about this new place? I’ll be a mom of two.

I wonder how I’m going to love two children equally. So many parents have told me that I’ll be amazed at how my heart will swell to meet the capacity of loving BB, so I figure it’ll be an extension of the phenomenon when Little Magician arrived and love took on new definition.  I wonder how I’m going to continue to integrate the other parts of my life (career, social life, etc.) into this renewed motherhood identity. I wonder how the spiderweb of connections between HomieLuva, LM, BB, and I (and our extended family) will evolve as we welcome a new being into our lives and form new relationships. I wonder how my body will recover after pregnancy #2; if my postpartum depression will come back; if HomieLuva and I will be able to navigate the ripples and waves of newborn life and remember the connection we created when it was just the two of us.

People make me feel guilty about working so much during this pregnancy – my work contract came to an end a few months back, and I’ve been a full-time freelance writer since April. I feel even more exhausted than usual, because May found us dealing with HomieLuva’s ankle surgery and taking LM out of daycare, so my responsibilities at home have heightened. Family and friends have helped in amazing ways, but there’s so much that only I can do. I worry that BB can feel and absorb my stress, so I order myself to not feel that stress, then I stress out when it feels like I’m failing both of us.

I feel like I owe it to BB to make up for the fact that life hasn’t been easy, and I’ve had to think of, manage, and do so much.

When I have a quiet moment to feel the ever-strengthening kicks and punches in my belly, I smile. I talk to BB all the time and let them know how much I love them. When I hum my special lullaby for LM at night, I feel the baby shift and move every time, and I feel like it might become their favourite lullaby too. It’s in those moments that I feel like everything will be OK, and that Boss Baby and I are reassuring each other at the same time.

Change – even change that you set in motion or desire with all your heart – is scary. Knowing that there’s no going back, only going forward, is scary. Realizing that life as I know it is about to evolve again and hoping that I’m ready for what’s to come, is scary. But beyond that fear is the fact that I’m about to gain the ability to give and receive the most love I ever have before – and I can’t wait.

See you soon, BB. We’re so excited for you to get here. <3

Bee Quammie

Big hair+mouth. Word lover. Award-winning blogger. Health/wellness professional. Social media fiend. Wife/mama/daughter/sister/friend. Dancehall Queen '83-present.

“Black ‘Oman, Hold Yuh Heart” aka Boss Baby Is Coming

beelaybaby2

A few weeks ago, I was at the HERStory In Black event, hosted by How She Hustles and CBC. The entire evening – honouring 150 Black women in the GTA who are doing amazing things – was incredible, but there was one particularly poignant moment for me.

Dub poet d’bi Young Anitafrika performed a piece she wrote specifically for the event – a powerful and emotional poem that had most of the room in tears. d’bi guided us through the recognition and celebration of who we are as Black women, with a constant refrain: “Black ‘oman, hold yuh heart!”

Most of us placed our hands to our chests, but I had a moment of hesitation about where to place mine. You see, I currently have two hearts. One has lived, loved, broken, and mended more than the other, but the newer one beats strong with the rhythm of promise and potential.

All that to say – I’m pregnant with Baby #2!

beebaby2

This pregnancy so far has been very different from 3 years ago when I was carrying Little Magician, and has frankly been a rougher ride. Morning sickness and extreme exhaustion took over the first trimester, and there were days where I couldn’t raise my head for anything except to take a sip of lemon water. This one also took a hit to my vanity – with LM everything flourished, but this time around my skin, hair, and nails suffered until the second trimester. I had more food cravings with LM, and this time (aside from my never-ending desires for ackee and saltfish), my diet is driven more by my aversions – namely chicken, most juices, and dairy.

It also feels like my emotions have also been on an even bigger roller coaster this time around. One of my biggest sources of anxiety is, how will I love two children equally?

I remember being pregnant with LM and wondering what it was going to feel like to be connected to another human being in such a way. I couldn’t imagine what that love would look and feel like, but it came, in all its beautiful and overwhelming glory.  Now, I’m clearly not the first person to give birth to more than one child, but I wonder how my heart will stretch to give another baby the same quality of love I’ve given to LM all this time, and how I’ll be able to keep loving her so that she never feels like she’s lost part of me.

Personally, I felt so changed when I gave birth the first time, that I’m also a bit anxious about how I’ll evolve after I go through the process of bringing another being into the world again.

Who will they be? Who will I be? How will LM adapt? How will HomieLuva and I maintain our identities as individuals and a couple while raising two children? As has been my trend lately, I have more questions than answers – but I know the answers will make themselves plain in due time. If previous life experience has shown me, I never know what I’m doing, but somehow always figure it out – or at least get by without anyone getting hurt. Lol.

For now, I’m enjoying the smoother sails of the second trimester (though I’m still hella tired thanks to chasing one Little Magician around) and awaiting the arrival of Boss Baby aka El/La Jefe aka Lil Remix. The story behind Baby #2’s nicknames deserves its own post, so stay tuned for that – and for all the fun times ahead as I become a mama of 2!

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Bee Quammie

Big hair+mouth. Word lover. Award-winning blogger. Health/wellness professional. Social media fiend. Wife/mama/daughter/sister/friend. Dancehall Queen '83-present.