Motherhood The Second Time Around
I've always known I wouldn't be Team One And Done if I had my way. With two younger siblings of my own, I've always loved the connection we have - so I knew that when it came time to start my own family, I definitely wanted to recreate that dynamic with my little ones. So, here we are. Little Magician is fresh off her 3rd birthday, and her sibling #BossBaby is coming in just a few weeks. This pregnancy has been very different from my first go-round, and my life today looks completely different from what it was even just 3 short months ago. I'm slowly but surely coming to accept the realization that there is no "going back" to anything. Life is drifting me along like a river that washed me from my comfort on the shore, and I won't ever go back - but I'll end up somewhere new. And one of the major things about this new place? I'll be a mom of two.
I wonder how I'm going to love two children equally. So many parents have told me that I'll be amazed at how my heart will swell to meet the capacity of loving BB, so I figure it'll be an extension of the phenomenon when Little Magician arrived and love took on new definition. I wonder how I'm going to continue to integrate the other parts of my life (career, social life, etc.) into this renewed motherhood identity. I wonder how the spiderweb of connections between HomieLuva, LM, BB, and I (and our extended family) will evolve as we welcome a new being into our lives and form new relationships. I wonder how my body will recover after pregnancy #2; if my postpartum depression will come back; if HomieLuva and I will be able to navigate the ripples and waves of newborn life and remember the connection we created when it was just the two of us.
People make me feel guilty about working so much during this pregnancy - my work contract came to an end a few months back, and I've been a full-time freelance writer since April. I feel even more exhausted than usual, because May found us dealing with HomieLuva's ankle surgery and taking LM out of daycare, so my responsibilities at home have heightened. Family and friends have helped in amazing ways, but there's so much that only I can do. I worry that BB can feel and absorb my stress, so I order myself to not feel that stress, then I stress out when it feels like I'm failing both of us.
I feel like I owe it to BB to make up for the fact that life hasn't been easy, and I've had to think of, manage, and do so much.
When I have a quiet moment to feel the ever-strengthening kicks and punches in my belly, I smile. I talk to BB all the time and let them know how much I love them. When I hum my special lullaby for LM at night, I feel the baby shift and move every time, and I feel like it might become their favourite lullaby too. It's in those moments that I feel like everything will be OK, and that Boss Baby and I are reassuring each other at the same time.
Change - even change that you set in motion or desire with all your heart - is scary. Knowing that there's no going back, only going forward, is scary. Realizing that life as I know it is about to evolve again and hoping that I'm ready for what's to come, is scary. But beyond that fear is the fact that I'm about to gain the ability to give and receive the most love I ever have before - and I can't wait.
See you soon, BB. We're so excited for you to get here. <3